Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭