[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
You Might Also Like
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.