If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
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Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs