Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
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Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.