“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!