Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS