“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.