When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
And bowling should be called pinball
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.