My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
the three genders
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Goodnight 🐶
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?