I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
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So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’m putting together a team