[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL