A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.