A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
You Might Also Like
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
bury ourselves
Who’s ready for Friday?!
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.