I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
🖤✌🏽
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
This guy’s not having it 😆
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.