Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.