To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
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Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.