Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
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I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!