Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Can’t stop laughing
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Time for evil
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead