If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie