Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Put this video in the Louvre
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right