Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.