If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
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[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.