*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
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Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.