[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
In space, no one can hear…
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
what day is it?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.