KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
This is enough internet for the day.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?