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I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.