My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
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GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
There is no “ea” in Tim.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
how to market bottled water to dads
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.