[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.