“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
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“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
When I said I liked it rough.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Breaking news:
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you