The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me