The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
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[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy