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Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.