Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert