I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Oh deer
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
i did the math
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.