My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Found the job I’m suited for
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds