Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
yall want some gasoline milk
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
yea so i messed up lol
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.