Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
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Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort