You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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i did the math
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.