I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
lmfao
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.