My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
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Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.