Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Put this video in the Louvre
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.