when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
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Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“I took care of your clown problem.”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac