CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER