would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say âAre you okay? Be careful.â Instead it came out at as âAre you careful?â That answer would be an obvious no.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Cop: whyâd you do it?
Me: I havenât been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I donât know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Mom: Whereâs your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
sometimes when I get negative feedback Iâm like “heyâŠ.only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
philosophical skeletons be like
Iâm two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who canât stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Whatcha doing?! đđ€Łđ¶
Bring back the McRib
âI donât know, man…that deer could have rabies.â
~nervous tics
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didnât want to ruin it with exercise.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Just read about something called ârunnerâs diarrheaâ so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? Itâs a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.