“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Cucumbers Anonymous
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.