I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
You Might Also Like
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
New mindset, who dis?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.