My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*