I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.