Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
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I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Ugh
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.