Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
this is the news I live for
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard